The Sacred Art of Deep Listening and Mirroring
Image: Listening is Innocence by Anahata Giri
“Make everything in you an ear, each atom of your being, and you will hear at every moment what the Source is whispering to you, just to you and for you…You are - we all are - the beloved of the Beloved and in every moment, in every event of your life, the Beloved is whispering to you exactly what you need to hear and know. Who can ever explain this miracle? It simply is. Listen and you will discover it every passing moment.”
- Rumi
Listening to what is here, now
As a child, did you ever pick up a sea shell, put it to your ear and listen, with delight, to the sound of the ocean? I see this as a beautiful metaphor for deep listening to ourselves and to other human beings. In the receptivity of openness and even wonder, we can hear deep underneath the words of someone’s expression; we hear the other’s ocean.
“Make everything in you an ear”. We listen through our felt sense, which means listening with our whole being. Gene Gendlin (1) describes the felt sense as more than the body’s sensations. The felt sense also includes: emotions, thoughts, memories, images, symbols. The felt sense is a holistic, bodily response, here and now, that includes the responses of the body, heart, mind, soul and spirit - our whole being.
What is it like to listen with our whole being? The body might show us what is alive in this moment with tingling of the skin, a churning in the gut, an aching throat. We might see an image from our intuition or imagination, the heart might open or contract, there might be tears of compassion, we might feel an energetic shift or hear an ancestral message from the spirit realm.
To access the felt sense, we use our awareness. Awareness is not thinking. Awareness is simply being aware, perceiving, moment to moment, what is here, now.
As we listen, as we follow the changing expression of each moment, we can, at the same time, rest into an underlying presence, an enlivened, continuous beingness. This presence is a state of being, a state of resonance that can attune to what is emergent. Presence can keep the company of anything that arises. It is a deeply nourishing and sacred holding space or container for both the speaker and listener. This presence might be experienced as oneness, mystery, silence, spirit, not knowing or the field of soul. I hear it echo in the words from Australian indigenous elder Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr (2) when she describes the indigenous way of Dadirri (pronounced da-did-ee) as “inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness…Dadirri recognises the deep spring that is inside us. We call on it and it calls to us.”
One of my teachers, the late Jun Po Denis Kelly, a Roshi in the Zen tradition, on his retreats, used to ask emphatically: Is there pure listening? Is there pure listening? Listening can be clouded by layers of judgement, critique, analysis and conditioning. Conditioning can include our inner scripts and habitual moods that filter our listening capacity. We are all conditioned. Yet, as listeners, we can discern our own conditioned responses, witness these and explore: what is it like to listen from the ever changing river of: the felt sense, awareness, presence, from the field of soul? What is here, now?
Feeling heard: Mirroring
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Show me my selves, show them all.
Mirroring is the process of reflecting back the experience and expression of the speaker so that they feel heard, seen, validated and understood. It includes reflecting the speaker’s words, images, emotions, feelings, sensations, symbols, silences and gestures. The listener reflects back what is meaningful and relevant to the speaker’s aims and exploration. The listener not only reflects back with words, but also with their tone, embodiment, facial expression, gestures and presence.
The many ways of mirroring, as outlined in A Handbook on Purpose Guiding (3), include: attuning to what is emergent; witnessing; appreciating; encouraging; celebrating; inviting deeper exploration; following what feels resonant (resonancing); being specific, so the other person feels uniquely heard; and listening to the longing underneath the words. This mirroring can then be accompanied by: inviting action or intention, usually by asking questions; and offering stories which gives a sense of shared experience and camaraderie on the path.
It is clear that mirroring is not necessarily an exact repetition of the listener’s words, though it may include that. Mirroring can also include the listener’s heart-felt responses to what the speaker has expressed. For example, suppose the speaker has been describing her grief and begins to cry. Below are two valid responses, with the second example including a deeper expression of empathy and compassion. We attune to each moment to see what the moment calls forth.
Speaker: I lost so much…[She begins to cry]. There is grief.
Possible responses:
Listener: You’re feeling grief for all that you have lost.
Listener: I am deeply moved by your tears of grief.
The listener, then, is not only tracking the other person’s experience, but their own. Interestingly, the inner ear structure is a spiral, shaped like a snail shell. It fascinates me that a spiral can be tracked both inwardly and outwardly. Deep listening involves self-listening, a spiralling inwards, and also a spiralling outwards to listen to the other.
Following the edge…
I am using the metaphor of the edge as a place of felt sense or experience that the speaker experiences directly, yet is more than can be fully expressed or understood right now. It is the edge between what is known and unknown, what is past and what is emerging, what is unseen and beginning to be seen.
As we dive into the psyche, as we commune with the soul, we can meet parts of ourselves that are subtle, vague, half-felt, unclear, unknown. As we stay close and mirror what is emergent, this can bring to light layers of psychological and soulful experience, archetypes and shadow elements that are just under the surface of a person’s words. The edge can feel emotionally difficult, elusively subtle or challenging in many ways. The listener is patient and open, attending to what is present in the speaker but may not yet be in words. We stay close to what is emerging, here, now. This is a heart to heart process of communication, even communion in its more intimate phases.
There is a cultural bias, in our communication with each other, toward clarity, toward ‘knowing’. Instead, the edge calls us to sit with the unknown, in the place where something new and emergent can arise. Otherwise we risk staying in a habituated story of ourselves. Within the pause, the silence, the feeling into the unknown, the ‘something’ half-experienced can arise, to become a moment of discovery or insight.
As listeners, we do not need to do anything to make anything change. As Gene Gendlin writes: “When you give your awareness to something, it is carried forward.” (4) Listening and mirroring can amplify attention: with a second pair of eyes, or second heart, leaning into what is emergent, the experience can take up its space, show itself more fully through sensation, deepening emotions, images, movement. We follow what is ripe, emerging and alive. We walk the edge.
Usually the listener follows the speaker, but sometimes the listener may lead the way with a question or suggestion, always in service of the speaker’s deepening inquiry. When this question is coupled closely with a mirroring statement we can stay attuned to what is emerging, as skilfully demonstrated by Frieda Nixdorf (5) in this example:
“I see your hand on your heart and I’m wondering if this place has a voice?”
We use mirroring to affirm what is here, alongside questions to point to what is becoming, as in these examples: What would it be like to step into this courage? How does it feel to allow the joy you feel to spread? Where do you feel the anxiety in your body? How might you experiment with this in your life?
In summary, listening & mirroring is a process that:
is present-centred, attuned to the moment
draws on the felt sense
stays close to what is emergent
is heartfelt and compassionate
welcomes silence
embraces the unknown
attends to the edge between the known and the unknown
builds a relationship based on trust, empathy and connection
is held in the deep container of love, awareness and presence
Mirroring the Child and the Authentic Self
Part of my own fascination with listening and mirroring stems from my own childhood wounding of not being mirrored or seen, due to a traumatic upbringing with a violent father and emotionally absent mother. Whilst I did receive deep loving mirroring as a baby from my mother, in my girlhood I received very little mirroring and so I began adulthood with a profound sense of not knowing who I am. This lack of listening and mirroring by parents and caregivers is widespread in our society.
The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott writes that the mirroring between mothers (and caregivers) and babies contributes to the foundation of the baby’s sense of self. When a mother mirrors back her baby’s emotion and expression, the baby sees themselves reflected in their mother’s expression. When there is an absence of maternal mirroring over time, when the mother’s face is not a mirror, the child will not see them-self and this can be deeply wounding. With consistent mirroring from significant others throughout childhood, the baby and the growing child experience acceptance and validation which can then be internalised as self-acceptance and self-awareness.
Bill Plotkin echoes the importance of mirroring for babies and the growing child. “Through imitation, empathic response..parents..reflect back and engage the baby’ smile, voice, emotions, and movements.” “Each child, like every living thing, seeks to become a genuine version of him- or herself…The best way to help your..child become her authentic self is by observing, welcoming, and mirroring her emotions and emergent personal qualities…Through compassionate mirroring..[the child] receives the message ‘We see you. We see you. We’re delighted you’re here. You belong here.’ “ (p.91) “Family members are in essence saying YES! to the infant’s incipient ego, welcoming that self, and helping her ego to form by means of recognition, mutuality, and communion.” (p.92) (6).
Reading that description, many of us may recognise that our own childhood experience of being mirrored fell (way) short. We may recognise the effects of this on our sense of self. In reclaiming our integrated and authentic self, the mirroring we receive as adults can play a crucial role. Winnicott describes mirroring his clients as a “long-term giving the patient back what the patient brings. It is a complex derivative of the face that reflects what is there to be seen” so that the client “will find his or her own self, and will be able to exist and to feel real. Feeling real is more than existing; it is finding a way to exist as oneself” (7). Being mirrored by others can can culminate in a profound mirroring of self by self, as beautifully described in this excerpt of a poem by Derek Walcott (8):
“The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
…..
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.”
The Mirror of Art Making
Both the process of creating art, and the piece of art itself, can powerfully mirror our own psyche and soul. The process of creating something (such as a drawing, painting, sculpture, story, poem) involves present-centred awareness, a stepping into the unknown, feeling, sensing, embodiment, soulful ways of being, and, often, elements of surprise. The art making process itself can reveal as much about our inner world as the art-piece itself.
Art therapist Joy Shaverien (9) describes that there is a “life in the picture” (or any art-piece) that relates to the imagery revealed within the art work. There is also the “life of the picture” (or art-piece) which refers to the ongoing effects as the art-piece continues to exist and continues to reflect back to its maker. This life of the picture can reveal hidden aspects and revelations over weeks, months, even years. The art work serves as a steady mirror through stages of meaning-making over time.
Image: In the River as my Soul-Self by Anahata Giri
Over weeks, this drawing mirrored back to me aspects of my emerging self. I see now that Soul ‘has my back’ and that my self and my soul-self are united. The part of me looking downstream follows a deep calling to serve life. The part looking upstream is my connection to the mystical source. The image reflects back to me beauty, sovereignty, strength, service, flow and heart. This image mirrors to me a deepening of the flow of my soul’s purpose and a deep desire to contribute.
Mirroring the Soul
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is my truest self of all?
How do we listen to Soul, to the authentic Self, the place where your exquisitely unique essence resides? We will each have our own way to communicate with soul. We can use our inner resources and draw on the immediate experience of the body, heart, mind, spirit, connection to nature and imagination. We can be open to what is emergent as the initial gateway. What is here, now?
What is here, now, as you listen with your skin, your bones, your gut, your heart? What is here as you listen to fear, anger, pain, joy, love? What is here as you listen to the shadow, a dream, an image, your imagination, your longing? What is here, now, in this silence? What is here as you feel the wind, or gaze from the mountain top or watch the spider making its web?
Rudolf Steiner (10) describes a practice for soulful listening that begins with listening to sounds in nature, like the bubbling creek, the call of a bird, the wind. As we listen, we deeply attune to that creature or element of nature, in deep reverence and communion with its way of being. “All of nature begins to whisper its secrets to us, through its sounds…We begin to hear with our souls.” Steiner suggests that we can then transpose this nature-listening to our human friends: “We begin to hear through the words, into the other person’s soul.”
Nature can reflect back to us hidden qualities of our own inner world and psyche. If you take your longing or any burning question to the river and sit there awhile, what does the river mirror back to you?
We distinguish here between soul-mirroring and ego projection. Ego or mind projection is a one-way flow of projected meaning from the ego onto the externalised landscape. In this process we are caught within our own mind, we feel seperate from nature and unable to truly see nature around us. Then it is hard for nature to reach us.
But nature is not merely outside of us - we are part of nature and nature is part of us. When we are truly present with nature - with a breeze or the bird call - it touches something within us. When we are receptive, perceiving through our senses, our skin, our heart, we can sense the quality or experience within us that is brought alive by that breeze or bird call. This is a two-way co-creative attuning and communing between nature and self, between nature and soul.
“When our minds are sufficiently clear and receptive…our attention is naturally drawn to aspects of nature that most resonate with our souls…We come to understand that sometimes what we observe in nature reflects aspects of our own unique essence.” Bill Plotkin (11). What is touched within us as we hear the kookaburra call? We may all hear the same kookaburra singing, but what is mirrored will be different for each one of us. We listen, we trust and gratefully receive what nature mirrors within us, when we turn to her with our genuine listening.
Listening and Mirroring creates a more compassionate world
Listening, mirroring, is an act of love. We can prepare for the sacred act of listening to ourselves or to another with this intention: I am receptive and open to the revelations and gifts that this human or creature before me brings.
Being listened to and mirrored - by a friend, colleague, mentor, our own soul, nature, art-work - can evoke a feeling of returning home. Being seen can help us return to our authentic selves, our gifts, our values, our essence. Mirroring is an act of faith in humanity. We can attune to the ‘living forward energy’ (12) of what is emerging, for the individual soul and also for the emerging world.
What if the created world around us is the mirror of the human psyche? What if the natural world around us is a mirror of ancient ecological wisdom? Can we listen to all creation and find our co-creative place within it?
What would our world become if we deeply listened to and mirrored each other, our children, our friends and families, our communities, the world, nature, the sacred river of all life?
Footnotes:
(1) Gene Gendlin in Ann Weiser Cornell & Barbara McGavin, The Focusing Student’s and Companions’s Manual Part One, Calluna Press, 2002, p. 56
(2) Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr, see her website www.miriamrosefoundation.org.au
(3) Purpose Guides Institute, A Handbook on Purpose Guiding, 2022
(4) Gene Gendlin, cited in Ann Weiser Cornell & Barbara McGavin, The Focusing Student’s and Companions’s Manual Part One, Calluna Press, 2002, p. 45
(5) From a teaching demonstration by Purpose Guide Frieda Nixdorf, from the Purpose Guide Institute.
(6) Bill Plotkin, Nature and the Human Soul, New World Library, 2008
(7) Donald W. Winnicott: Playing & Reality; Travistock Publications, 1971. See Chapter 9: Mirror-role of Mother and Family in Child Development (1967)
(8) Excerpt from poem by Derek Walcott, “Love After Love”.
(9) Joy Shaverian, The Mirror of Art: Reflections on Transference and the Gaze of the Picture cited at www.aras.org
(10) Rudolf Steiner, How To Know Higher Worlds, Anthroposophic Press, 1961.
(11) Bill Plotkin, Nature and the Human Soul, New World Library, 2008, p. 277.
(12) Gene Gendlin, cited in Ann Weiser Cornell & Barbara McGavin, The Focusing Student’s and Companions’s Manual Part One, Calluna Press, 2002.
Anahata Giri
Anahata Giri is a soul guide, helping people to uncover the deeper meaning, knowing, love, belonging and purpose of their own soul. Deep listening and mirroring is the cornerstone of her work.
April 2022